People in the House

I have a very hard time when there are people in the house that I do not know.  These people are putting in our new window blinds… so they are here for us, but I hate it!

Okay… the installer is here – seems like a nice guy.  That does not help a lot.  I took some meds to calm me, and that is helping.  But I can feel my anxiety at about 7 – not horribly high, but disturbing.

At least he is very quick – more than half done in 40 minutes.  There are 11 blinds to put up.  Now he is putting up the wood ones.  I had him do my office first so I could hide in here.  My new-and-improved hidey hole.

He is almost done… it has not been as bad as I had thought… but the waiting is always the worse part.  My brain goes too fast thinking of things that could go wrong.  I can think of lots of things that can go wrong…

He is done, and gone.  This has been very draining… I feel like hiding out in bed for a while… with the kitties.

Moving… the Hard Part

So what is the hardest part of moving.  I had all sorts of plans, and contingency plans, and all.  I knew some things would be harder, and/or more draining than others.  But I did not suspect what would be the hardest part for me.

What hurt the most has having to spend so much of my moving time watching, or especially directing others in doing the work I should be doing myself.  I hate it!  It makes me feel really bad to just have to stand or even sit there while Lori and friends do the hard work.

My back is better now, but I have had some knee issues the last few days… I almost fell down the stairs when my right knee gave out.  My left knee hurts going up the stairs, and my right knee hurts coming down – at least there is some balance to it.

But it leaves me feel bad about what I can’t do!

Long Gone…

I have been long away from Blogging.  Things have been too busy with the move and all… but also I have been taking some time to reevaluate my whole on-line situation.  I am not sure it I have figured anything out yet, but I am feeling enough better to write something anyway  <<— this!

I like my Blog, and I want to get back into it more.  So I will be thinking of Radical Ideas I can try to foist off on you all!  That’s my favorite part.

But seriously… my brain is starting to settle down, and work more appropriately again.  My overall anxiety is starting to decrease, and I have had less depression recently.  I’m still too busy, but I feel better.

So… am I back?  or am I not so much?  I don’t know yet.  But please hang in there for me.

Disconnected…

I feel disconnected from myself… and from everyone around me.  This recent period of struggle has taken a lot out of me… leaving very little.  I am just not as “sharp” as I should be.

My prolonged struggles have left me tired, drained, and empty.  And I just have myself to blame, and to fix the situation.  I am trying to rest my brain some… that will help.  This too will pass.

 

Where are my Keys?

Wednesday’s Cat (belated)

Session Yesterday and Me

Session yesterday was a bit stressful… I was coming from a different direction, so I got a ride, and then tried to run some errands afterwards.

Session was good, there was a lot to talk about.  I have been at a high stress level now for a couple of months, and I have not been doing very well with it.  I have also been fighting several pains that have limited my mobility.

But I am feeling very bad about not getting more done this week.  I feel right on the edge of crashing almost all the time.  And I think I have finally fallen down.  I have to get myself back up somehow… there is too much to do, and I am falling behind.

In session we talked about how to avoid some issues coming up, but it has not worked well – it’s only been a day, but the plan seems to be lacking. 

Start Again!

In Woodburn…

We are in the new house… but there is still so much to do.  I have been trying to keep up, but it has been a strain.

I have been away from Blogging too long, but I have had too many struggles along the way.  I have started a Blog about Session, and where my brain is… maybe later today…

Facebook and Me

Well… I have to admit I am stuck with Facebook.  It is my main link to the world much of the time, so I just need to go with its flow, and take what it offers.

So I was off for a whole 4 days, and just missed it.  I am still struggling with being pushed to my limits with so much going on, but there is an end in sight.

So I will be seeing most of you there… in the FB-in’ Zone.

Merry Christmas to All!!

Christmas Cat

Getting Ready!

Wednesday’s Cat

Moving Day is Near

We did the fist finish walkthrough of our new house this morning.  Just a couple of things to touch up, and the refrigerator is not in yet.  Otherwise it is done!

We should be starting moving next week.

Are You Hungry?

from: Kitty Bloger

Retrenching

Today I dropped off Facebook… and I am not sure about Blogging much.  But I will see how it goes.  The vast majority of my visitors here come from posts I made on Facebook… so I expect fewer visits now.

I may get back to my Blogging blend of personal and social commentary, but I don’t really know where this will lead.  It just does not seem so important now.  But I probably will post even to the small number of visitors I will have in the future.

I won’t close my Blog… I still hope more people will find it, and feel it is useful and helpful to them.

By the Numbers…

Over the last several years, Roberta and I have worked out some scales to help me keep track of, and communicate about my emotional state.  Here they are:

NAPI – this is “Neil’s Anxiety and Panic Index”.  It’s a 0 to 10 scale where 5 is where I used to spend most of my time before I had meds.  (Driving to teach was usually an 8).  Now I usually average about 2-3.  8 is really hard to deal with, and at 9 I start looking for an escape.  I can relax, and use meds to reduce this if needed.

NEDI – “Neil’s Depression Index”.  Again 0 – 10… I have been having a lot of 6-8 days the last couple of months.  There is not much I can do about this.  I try to relax, and do small things, but it means a lot of bed-time when it’s high.

NELI – “Neil’s Energy Level Index”.  This is about how much energy I have to push myself, and get things done.  That’s related to going out, meeting people, and even most household tasks.  I can relax to help this… and I take days “off” at times.  But it’s hard to do much about it when things are really busy.

All 3 have been hovering above 5 for most of the last 3 months.  Not much hope for a reduction for another could of months – after the move.

The Triple Whammy

The Holiday season has always carried a lot of mixed feelings for me.  But it grew into a time that I would have rather just went on by.  I’m liking the Day and a lot of the activities now, but there is still a lot of stress around it.

But this year there are other factors compounding my anxiety, and depression.  Next Monday will the the 25th anniversary of my Father’s death.  Plus we are building a house – to be done in the next 3 weeks or so.  And then we will start moving, with Lori getting back to her full-time traveling again.

So there is way more on my plate this year.  So I am having a hard time maintaining myself.  There are a lot of things I am having to deal with on my own… and I feel close to the edge of crashing most of the time.

Session today helped a little… but there is not a lot more I can do about this until things calm down over the next 3 weeks.

Crab & Bread

Wednesday’s Cat

The Social Me…

Some may wonder if there even is a Social aspect to me… but there is.  It’s there.  It just prefers to hide in the shadows.

I have not been posting on Facebook, or writing Blogs recently.  I ran thru several ‘overload” moments over a short period of time, and have tuned out.  I don’ think I was missed… so I just stayed in my place.

The fact is that reducing anxiety often leads to increasing depression… Roberta says that is not uncommon at all.  The dynamics are very complex, and hard to predict.  But I have been sleeping a lot, and eating little… and I have not even been writing much in my journal – 4 pages in 5 days.

I am still not in a good place.  I am just not feeling very positive about the world right now.

But for my loyal readers, I thought an update was in order.  I am constantly on the edge of folding up and going to bed… it’s not fun, but right now it’s all I have.

Alarm Clock

Wednesday’s Cat

All Things Considered…

After Session, and other events of the last few weeks… I have come to the conclusion that I am not doing as well as I was a year ago.  There have been loses, and stumbles, and I have found myself in a weaker position than I was.

I have not been writing here, or on Facebook… it seems to go unnoticed.  But that is okay.  I am too depressed and withdrawn to care much about anything.

Being Better

I have got a lot better over the years thanks to support, session, hard work, and my meds.  There have been a lot of ups and downs. (down right now)

Mostly where I have got better is on the inside… by understanding what’s going on in my brain, and by learning to work with it.  Some things I can change, and some things I can not.  That’s just the way it is.

A few days ago, it occurred to me that there are things my brain will not do – my issues keep me from being able to do many things.  But there are things my brain can do that most people’s can’t.

I can envision an object in 3 dimensions… roll it around, and even take it apart.  I have designed furniture without a note… all in my head.  The fit and dimensions of every piece.

I can imagine 4 dimensional space… and how it works.

If you can “learn” to do those things, maybe I can learn to simply move forward regardless of all my internal problems.  Otherwise they will never go way, and I need to learn to live with them.

Session – Nov. 30

I had session yesterday… it was very emotional.  I have been having a rough time the last couple of weeks.  There has been a lot of extra stress, and I have been very upset, and often depressed.  I have not been doing very well.

I have not been eating enough, and sleeping way too much.  Meds have helped, but it’s hard to fight depression.  So I really needed session this week.  It helped me figure out what I need to focus on.

I am not doing as well as I was a year ago… mostly because of more depression.  I was not going to session enough during the Summer, and things started falling apart.  It’s like when someone thinks they are all better, and stops taking their meds – I stopped going to session.

Things will gradually get better.  But I am not in a good place right now.  I am feeling more isolated and alone than normal.  I have not been Blogging or Facebooking as much as normal.

I can’t say much positive… except I will be going to session every 2 weeks for a while.

COMMENTS: a good question in the comments.

10 Gallon Cat

Wednesday’s Cat

Today’s Cat Ordeal

I am okay with Fake-Caliban being where she is.  I know they will search for her home.  And even though they left her behind, I know the Daughter really liked her.  I saw them together several times.  I can recognize a “cat” person.

But it was very upsetting for me.  Yes… I was teary eyed many times during the process.  Fake-Caliban did not ever even meow in the crate on the way.  She is such a friendly Kitty I am sure someone will want her.

But still…  I am drained…

Fake – Caliban

Last Summer the neighbors across the street were evicted, and left behind a cat.  The cat had been there with the owners, for about a year, and we had named her Fake – Caliban because she looks like Caliban.

When they moved out, they left Fake-Caliban behind.  After almost 4 months it was really getting to me.  One other neighbor was feeding it but could not take it in.  I have tried to bring it into our house, but our kitties would have nothing of it.

The last few weeks with the cold weather, it has been yowling at night, and even during the day.  So I finally had to do something.  I called around and found out my options, and finally went and picked her up and put her in a crate and took her the the Bonnie Hayes Animal Shelter.

They will never euthanize a healthy cat, and if they can’t place her, she will go to the Cat Adoption Team in Sherwood.  They did find she has a chip, so they hope to track down the owners… I don’t care, I just want her to have a nice home because she is such a nice kitty.

It was all very emotional for me, and I was have trouble talking a couple of times at the Shelter.  I was close to falling apart… but I think this is the best thing.  I also donated $50 to the shelter.

My Journal

Three times during my life I have kept journals.  The most recent one I started about 7 years ago.  I generally have given them to Lori after a few months, so she can better understand what I have been doing… going thru.

Writing helps me clarify things in my mind.  It forces me to slow down, and think about what I am writing about.  That makes it easier to figure some things out.  It’s also calming because I am thinking more about the details.

It is a free flow of thought, so it does often go over the same ground multiple times… it’s kind of a boring read.  But it helps to write.