Session – May 24

Yesterday was a very difficult session…  I am feeling very drained, and down today.  Things went well, and I will be going back next week.  There is a lot to do. Basically, I am back where I was over a year ago.  I could already see that, but last evening I saw how far back [...]

Session Today

It’s just after midnight – I had to get up for a bit.  My anxiety is way up, and I am feeling very drained… I have session today for the first time in 3 months.  There is a lot of apprehension about it.  I have been wrestling with the idea of going back, for over [...]

Not Today

I will not go to session today.  I am going to try again Thursday.  Lori can drive me on Thursday – or go with me.  But I am not up to going out today.  At least I have a plan.

Fighting My Brain

I spend a lot of my time fighting my own brain – my thoughts run their own path from dark to abandoned, to total failure.  There are few times when I feel any internal peace – mostly that’s when I am in bed trying to sleep. I have to do something.  I am going to [...]

Crashing Out

I have hit the wall, and the wall won.  I have crashed out… losing my temper, and losing control of my mind.  For months I have been barely holding things together… sometimes not quite making it.  But now I have gone off the deep end. I have not been to session since February.  I have [...]

On Being Normal…

I am not the best person to write about what it is to be “normal”, but I do know about being non-normal.  Everyone has their idiosyncrasies, but I am just plan crazy in some respects.  And if you read along, you have probably picked up on that by now. But sometimes people treat me as [...]

Depression

Depression has been a big issue all this year.  There have been many weeks long periods when depression has virtually brought me to a stop… and caused frequent backsliding.  It has been made worse by various physical issues, but that’s for another Blog. I have not been going to session – not for over 3 [...]

BIG Question – ???????

Should I write in my Blog about what is going on in my mind…  or should I not write things that would (could)  hurt others, or rub some people the wrong way? The fact is that one major reason I don’t write is that I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  Plus I am a [...]

By the Numbers…

Over the last several years, Roberta and I have worked out some scales to help me keep track of, and communicate about my emotional state.  Here they are: NAPI – this is “Neil’s Anxiety and Panic Index”.  It’s a 0 to 10 scale where 5 is where I used to spend most of my time [...]

The Triple Whammy

The Holiday season has always carried a lot of mixed feelings for me.  But it grew into a time that I would have rather just went on by.  I’m liking the Day and a lot of the activities now, but there is still a lot of stress around it. But this year there are other [...]

The Social Me…

Some may wonder if there even is a Social aspect to me… but there is.  It’s there.  It just prefers to hide in the shadows. I have not been posting on Facebook, or writing Blogs recently.  I ran thru several ‘overload” moments over a short period of time, and have tuned out.  I don’ think [...]

All Things Considered…

After Session, and other events of the last few weeks… I have come to the conclusion that I am not doing as well as I was a year ago.  There have been loses, and stumbles, and I have found myself in a weaker position than I was. I have not been writing here, or on [...]

Session – Nov. 30

I had session yesterday… it was very emotional.  I have been having a rough time the last couple of weeks.  There has been a lot of extra stress, and I have been very upset, and often depressed.  I have not been doing very well. I have not been eating enough, and sleeping way too much.  [...]

More and More Issues

I have, and have written about many of my issues over the last year in this Blog.  But have only covered a tiny bit of it all.  There are more issues… but mostly I have not explored the depth of some of them. I fight every day to remain as close to stable as I [...]

Missing Days

Some days are Missing… at least that’s how I think of them.  They are days when nothing happens, and I sleep a lot. It happens too often, but less than it used to.  Even with my meds, I get overloaded sometimes, and have to crash out. I lie in bed and think about pleasant things.  [...]

I need to be More Pessimistic

I obviously need to learnt o be more pessimistic.  When I look to the future, I try to imagine that I can do things – that I will be able to stretch myself.  I like to hope things will improve, and I will be able to do those things. But it hurts people when I [...]

My Mental Picture

I am having a particularly hard time trying to hold myself together today.  Apparently I have not made any mental improvements in 7 years of therapy… and my meds are not making any difference.  I can’t or don’t do anymore than I did before… I am still not able to be the person I should [...]

Session today

I had session today, and it went fairly well.  We mostly talked about how things are going on my new meds, and the stresses that are coming up.  There are a lot of stresses coming up with the Holidays and all.  And I do have to try to be ready for that.  It takes a [...]

Today is…

Today is Back Issues Day.  There is no comfortable position.  I am on my meds – all of them – and it’s a lot better… but still that nagging, annoying low level pain…  A lot of people have offered advice, and some of it has helped.  I kind of have a routine now that works [...]

My Weekend

I had a very good weekend – except for my Back being really bad last night.  But I went to bed early, and this morning my back is a lot better. My new meds helped me relax a lot more than normal, and I actually feel as if I build up some energy reserves.  There [...]

Session Yesterday

Session was very complicated yesterday.  Because I had not been in for a long time, there was a lot to go over.  So we covered all the important things that have been happening, and that are coming up.  Roberta  got a good view of where I am.  It helped. There are so many things I [...]

What I can do…

I used to do a lot.  I was a teacher and gave my life to it.  I was good at it.  I cared mostly about my students.  And sometimes ran afoul of the administration for it.  But I tried to always be there for my students. I did a lot… and I got a lot [...]

Session Today

I had session today – the first time in almost 2 months.  My mind has been way too busy with the new house and all, and I have just not gone.  So there was a lot to go over. I have not been getting much done the last couple of months… at least not much [...]

The Most Difficult Part…

The most difficult part of making major mental changes to improve your life, is finding how all the pieces fit together.  There are so many aspects to our lives, that finding how they all inter-relate can be very frustrating. There are fears, and hopes, and memories, and personal interactions, and much more that get all [...]

I Love the Rain!!!

Most people who know me, know I love the rain.  It is calming, and soothing to me.  It not only reduces stress, but can actually build up my energies.  It makes me feel much better… and I don’t mind not being about to do things outside, because I don’t really care about doing things outside! [...]